Some Cheese To Go With Your 'Whine'?

Touching enough to break the silence

After a 8 month hiatus, I am now returning to the blogosphere with this short post. Lots has happened since I last wrote, as is expected of any normal 20 something's life I suppose.
But today was different and the credit of this post goes to a little urchin boy, barely 6 years old at one of Delhi's traffic junctions. I was on my way to a meeting, travelling in a car, making mindless conversation with my colleague. The day hadn't started off very well. The dream from last night still haunted, the morning was slow, the thought of going to work gave me a sinking feeling. So all put together, not much was going great. We pull over at the traffic signal. I see something that brings back memories. I hate this city. Restaurants once visited with friends now remind me of my solitude; many, just about every route reminds me of trips taken with acquaintances, friends, special somebodies; shops that were once my jaunt now just stare at me blankly, reminding me of happier days bygone. While these thoughts came gushing at me, tears welled up in my eyes. To avoid being looked at, I look away at the general hustle-bustle of a city shamed by a series of blasts just a day ago. Up comes a little fellow, a scruffy 6 year-old with shining eyes and a will to survive. He asks me to throw some petty change at him. Then he takes a good look and says "Ro kyun rahi hai?" (Why are you crying?). I shoo him away, gesturing him to move onto the next car. He persists and adds "Kuchh mat dena, magar kyun ro rahi hai?" (Don't have to give me anything, but why are you crying?) I could have buried my head in shame. 2 things hit me the next instant. I loved the way the little fellow addressed me - 'tu'. It was so personal. And, I felt utterly stupid and at the same time touched to have been shown such concern by the little outlander. The signal went green. I didn't have time to react. The car started moving. I wanted to call out to him, give him something, thank him, maybe just smile back.. .but he was gone. Or perhaps he was still standing there, waiting for me to speak, while we sped away...

Taking a Break

I am taking a break from this blog. No reasons to offer. And I'm bloody sure nobody cares.

Its a Dotty Business

I have a problem with dots. Yes, its a kink. I cannot see too many of them together, specially if they are swollen or embossed on any surface. Aaargh!

So, I have this new look to my blog. I am going to get over my 'dot phobia'. There can be only 2 outcomes. Either there will hightened writing activity, in which case I will urge the readers of this blog to punch in their comments on the quality of writing. It might suffer tremendously, considering the current level of scholastic brilliance I bring in. What a loss it will be to all you (3) readers! OR, I will just disappear into thin air (off the blog I mean) only to reappear with the old look.

So let's wait and watch.

Get Going

While switching channels this lazy Sunday morning, I stopped to hear a voice on a Business channel say '30s is the new 20s'. Now, I am still only approaching the 30s, still a couple of years to go, but it made me sit up and think.

The dilemmas hit me again - where am I, what am I doing, where do I want to go from here yadayadayada...

I think the time has come when I need to get out. Get out of this mundane existence and do the things I have wanted. Enough of waiting, enough of pandering to everyone's whims, enough of just 'being'. It is time for some action. I am hoping putting it up on this blog will retain the rush and urgency I am feeling now, to actually get started.

The worst thing is to know you have the capability to do something and just sit idle not doing it, not getting after it. I have got to take the risk. I have always followed and persevered to get what I want. Maybe I should have seen this day much earlier, or perhaps not. No time is lost. I have come this far in life and I am happy I have experienced all that I have. I feel the drive to take this plunge in full swing only now! And I am bloody well going to do it!

So, is it going to be a new job? Yes. Same industry? Maybe. A hidden dream? Definitely.

There are some things I know will take time to achieve, and some smaller things I know I CAN do right away. Little things that will make me very happy. You will see, you will hear :-)

Before I move from one family to the 'other', while my parents try hard fixing me up, I need the transition phase to be spent with just myself. No commitments to nobody. Before I take on 'that' role, there are some things I need to get done to feel good about myself.

I am not even there yet, but I tell you, when you decide you're going to - the feeling is incredible. I hope I can write about what I did actually end up doing and feel all great about it, very very soon.

Cheers to all those who didn't even realise they played a huge role in getting me started onto this. Hope everyone does what they really want to, and find it in themselves soon enough to get going.

Love and peace...

True Calling

I am known to be someone with a strong will-power. Well, the key word here is 'known'. I try to live upto it this incontestably good quality. Lord knows how I have given some people that impression. But I do get really persevering if I set my mind to something. That's how my current job came to me. Everyone around me could have sworn I was aimless hunting.
However, I shouldn't take the credit for all the good that has come my way. Opportunity has played its vital role.

Having said that, I have been awaiting a certain opportunity to befall upon me for quite sometime now - always looking for the slightest sign, the smallest word uttered that might forebode the occurence of the opportunity. But nothing. I tried, missed, tried again, half the time not kowing if I was going the right away. With nobody to guide me, it has been rather hard.

I have long nurtured a wish to be a full-time singer. But since my taste in the music I hear as well as sing is so diverse, I didn't want to get restricted to being a performing artiste in any one style. Mine is the 'free style'. I like borrowing from here and there, adding my own thing and creating something enigmatic. It is hard to explain the rush I get when I hear some bits from the 'Shakti' band. I have at times gone back to hearing a bit that spans barely 5 secs again and again! Anyway, the question I asked myself repeatedly then was - if its not classical, if its not mainstream film, if its not pop, what is it?? There is no answer to that question. But I like the music some people in the industry create and I figured, for starters, I'd like to be part of that. Be this free bird who could flock from one team of enthusiastic music makers to another. It would be perfect!

So I wait..no waited patiently, for the opportunity to present itself, still putting in my bit of effort once in a while. No committed effort, just loose effort. My friends had the answer to my creative grief - "Go for the talent hunt!", they'd tell me. I was aghast at the very thought of it. Talent Hunt? You mean standing in lines, being judged and mocked at by a bunch of morons, letting the public of India decide my fate through their precious votes?? And endure heavy make-up, make-overs, forced dance steps to go with the singing? No way. I wasn't going to fall into the trap of reality shows. It is unreal in my world of music.

Having said that, I was willing to do this if I had faith in the person judging me, if I liked what he/she had to offer in music. And I hoped such a person wouldn't care for the looks, the dance, the height-weight ratio or any of that. I don't particulalry like the associated marketing, hype and other such bagaage that comes with shows like these. And besides, it would take me somewhere I didn't want to go.

And the opporutnity arrived, like most others do from the most unexpcted quarters. It may just be the beginning of beginnings, but its sure to take me somewhere. Atleast its given me the comfort of not feeling wasted (something I battle every weekend). I have a purpose, a goal, however short-term and its keeping me alive. Its put life back into me. I can feel the rush again!. Its incredible. I expect nothing, although an elimination is bound to bring some disappointment, but still - its all worth it. And you know the best part? It couldn't have been better timed.

Delusion, Dilemma & Diktat

Did we ever think of asking the question “Is there a God?” Either we were handed down the belief by our fiercely religious ancestors and willingly accepted it; have lived with the atheist belief as long as we have known ourselves; or, consciously taken the route to be either a believer/non-believer. But have we gone beyond and asked ‘the question’? Do we know we have the option to question?
Have we ever questioned our religious or cultural identity? Reflecting on the existence of God is a much farther concern, one I will ponder over in my subsequent posts. It requires tremendous clarity in thought and I am not sure I am quite ready yet, to put it all down, though I do know where I stand on the issue.

I’ll tell you just where all this is coming from. I have been in the middle of some sort of a personal battle. (I prefer the word battle over crisis because the former gives me the hope that it can be fought, as against the dim, discouraging nature of the word ‘crisis’).

Now, at what I thought would be the defining day, I saw myself faced with a critical situation that would pretty much set the tone for my future – immediate if not permanent. Through all this, I was counselled by my well-wishers to keep my faith in God and ‘leave it to Him’. Well I couldn’t. Believer or non-believer, I am sure what is least expected of us is to manage our own businesses. Even God would tell us that. I did take help though. Spoke to people whose words comforted me and readied myself. When friends were busy, I did other things. Music. It is almost like a religion to me. If religion is meant to give us strength, show us the way, and keep us grounded - music it is for me.

Anyway, coming back to the point. The moot question here is of identity. A lot of what we are, how we are and most importantly, how we face tough situations in life, flows out of a certain distinctive quality we are made of. It IS convenient (I am not suggesting wrong, just convenient) to hold on to God as a crutch, but it can never replace the role of consciousness. God is a part of my life, but in a very different way. He is someone I sit before in a temple because the experience is healing; He is someone I sing songs in praise of, because there is so much philosophy in them. It’s a humbling feeling to know there is a force out of our control that is operating. He is an experience that is part of my everyday being.

These beautiful lines from the book I am currently reading – The God Delusion, by Richard Dawkins, are worth mentioning at this point.

In this, the author quotes Einstein:
“To sense that behind anything that can be experienced, there is something that our mind cannot grasp and whose beauty and sublimity reaches us only indirectly and as a feeble reflection, this is religiousness. In this sense I am religious.”

It’s beautiful and so true isn’t it?
So it is not about religion really. Unless, you will grant me that religion is an amalgam of experiences that we acquire as we move along in life. In that sense religion is a growing phenomenon. It is of course based on firm grounding and roots, which widen and grow as we grow & age with time. This is why my argument for a cultural identity is important. It gives us all a starting point. Have an identity is all I am saying. Our parents’ beliefs need not be ours. I remember wanting to be different - not knowing if I had the choice to change, tossing the thought in my mind and rebelling against norms. Finally, I found my peace. Now, I like my Tamil roots and metropolitan upbringing. The rituals have different meaning for me; devotion has an almost liberating effect on me!

Music currently listeing to - Old recording of all cousins singing bhajans
Current frame - Deeply philosophical